I am such a fool!! This is happening. It is really going to happen and it feels like my heart is being cut into little pieces. I feel the pain in my chest as though someone were stabbing me fisically. I am torchering myself right now. I am so stupid I could just die. I only want to be with the only woman I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just want to spend time with her and yet that seems to be too much to ask right now. I know this, but yet instead of just keeping quiet. Swallowing my emotions. I blurt out the most ridiculous statements and end up kicking myself inthe heart. She may have came back in only an hour from now. But I'm sure it will be much longer. Who wants to come back to a jealous affection starved idiot any way? I was sorry the moment she left. I love that woman. I love being with her. I am so fucked up right now. One minute I'm happy. She talks sweetly to me and tells me how special I am and the next minute I am immagining the worst possible out come for the future. I say the most rediculous things and blow away all the ground I thought I had covered to accepting what is happening. I feel like shit!
I keep asking myself if she will ever love me the way I need and want to be loved by her. Did I miss my chance so long ago? Hope is all that i am going to be left with. Hope and want. Hope can lift a man so high and want can bring him crashing to the ground. I need to find the balancing point.

See what has happened? I am sitting here alone typing god only knows what. I can't even remember how I got started here. All that I can think about is my beautiful Michelle. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry. I wish I could take her up in my arms and swing her around. Hold her tightly so that she would know the things I said were out of confusion and have no real merrit. They were not meant and I wish i could have reached out and snatched them back before they reached her ears. OH! how I sit here and reach out to her. Can she feel me? Does she know I am in agony? Does she my plea for forgiveness. I"m yelling "It doesn't matter" "I know I'm not making sense"" I LOVE YOU" and sometimes I go beyond crazy. I know! I know!
I'm sorry! I am in love with you and There is nothing I would not forgive you for. Please forgive me...I have heard that that is what friends are called friends for. They forgive each other. Everything! and then they start fresh again.

Your presence in my mind fills my heart with the desire to give and then give again the love that it contains.
Love always Dordie!