Thunder Struck

2003-01-03T19:48:00.000-05:00

Well! Here I sit a changed man. I feel so full of love for this beautifully amazing woman in my life. She has unwillingly and unknowingly brought about fellings within my heart, mind and soul. that will forever change the coures of my life and already have in so many ways. Though small failures are inevitable. They are so minor in consiqunce that I no longer feel threatened by them or worried about where the next one may appear. What ever it may be. I used to be so caught up in my fear of disappointing this woman that I so dearly love. I in turn brought about the greatest disappointment a man could create for his "true soul mate". I failed to show her how I truely felt and how she made every day barrable. From her calm resting beauty on the mornings I would have to kiss her on the cheek while she slept before departing for the long hours ahead.To her soft supportive voice some hot mid summer days silently begging me to come home. Both of us knowing that I could not."I don't think to this day that she knows I heard those silent requests from her heart." I am the one silently begging now." From her radiant smiles and her deep loving blue eyes when I came in the door exausted. To the kisses she gave me that would melt an iceberg. So full of love and passion she was. I to weak to return it. To caught up in ...What? Love is so much more desireable, gratifiing, completing to the soul and heart than anything I have experienced before. So much more rewarding. Just to love someone like I love this woman. It is not something that can be compared nor should it be.

My love... Accept all that I have to give and do not feel guilty for taking it. It is mine to give freely to whom ever I wish. I chose to give it to you. Do not under sell yourself. You are more deserving of love than you believe. We all are. We all make mistakes but we need only feel guilty if those who we thought loved us are not willing to forgive us. Are not willing to fight for us or stand beside us when so many seem to think we are wrong. True love, true friends, true soul mates never give up supporting us in our conquest to find happiness. They are always there. As I will be for you. Where ever, when ever, what ever. You have lead me to believe in myself and to believe that a person can love another entirely. To believe that you were right all along. Forgive me for being so closed, so unsharing of myself.

In your eyes I long to see
my reflection.
In your arms I long to be
without refection.
In your heart I long to feel
love once found.
In your heaven with you I long kneel
And be forever bound.

Love Your Dordie Man xoxo To hold you is the spark that ignites my flame and fuels my passions. The passions we share.

2002-05-21T23:03:00.000-04:00

I am such a fool!! This is happening. It is really going to happen and it feels like my heart is being cut into little pieces. I feel the pain in my chest as though someone were stabbing me fisically. I am torchering myself right now. I am so stupid I could just die. I only want to be with the only woman I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just want to spend time with her and yet that seems to be too much to ask right now. I know this, but yet instead of just keeping quiet. Swallowing my emotions. I blurt out the most ridiculous statements and end up kicking myself inthe heart. She may have came back in only an hour from now. But I'm sure it will be much longer. Who wants to come back to a jealous affection starved idiot any way? I was sorry the moment she left. I love that woman. I love being with her. I am so fucked up right now. One minute I'm happy. She talks sweetly to me and tells me how special I am and the next minute I am immagining the worst possible out come for the future. I say the most rediculous things and blow away all the ground I thought I had covered to accepting what is happening. I feel like shit!
I keep asking myself if she will ever love me the way I need and want to be loved by her. Did I miss my chance so long ago? Hope is all that i am going to be left with. Hope and want. Hope can lift a man so high and want can bring him crashing to the ground. I need to find the balancing point.

See what has happened? I am sitting here alone typing god only knows what. I can't even remember how I got started here. All that I can think about is my beautiful Michelle. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry. I wish I could take her up in my arms and swing her around. Hold her tightly so that she would know the things I said were out of confusion and have no real merrit. They were not meant and I wish i could have reached out and snatched them back before they reached her ears. OH! how I sit here and reach out to her. Can she feel me? Does she know I am in agony? Does she my plea for forgiveness. I"m yelling "It doesn't matter" "I know I'm not making sense"" I LOVE YOU" and sometimes I go beyond crazy. I know! I know!
I'm sorry! I am in love with you and There is nothing I would not forgive you for. Please forgive me...I have heard that that is what friends are called friends for. They forgive each other. Everything! and then they start fresh again.

Your presence in my mind fills my heart with the desire to give and then give again the love that it contains.
Love always Dordie!

2002-04-27T16:09:00.000-04:00

I have attempted to fill the void I once created. I fear the journey is long. I have yet to make up for so much. So much that I have missed. So much damage that was done. Will she ever look at me with those eyes again? Allow me the pleasure of her whole heart once more. I am open now. I am receptive. I am here and I am in the deepest love a man could possibly know. With her. I will remain in waiting for as long as it takes.
I love my Michelle and there is nothing I can do to control the way i feel for her.

Dordie...

2001-02-21T23:27:00.000-05:00

My Flavour..according to Emode.com ...

Mmm ... jalapeño! Spicy and energetic, you're everyone's favorite flavor on a Friday night. A little wild, a little dangerous, you add an edge to every occasion without going overboard. You're fiery, but not the four-alarm kind. That's because your exuberant sense of fun comes through in everything you do — you're always the life of the party. If you were a cocktail, you'd probably be a margarita — fun, festive, and popular. You make every occasion so memorable that no one ever stops to wonder whether you were there. Zesty and sizzling, you're a truly tasty treat

2001-02-21T23:26:00.000-05:00

An apt discription of myself...if I do say so..myself...and...I do ! HAHA !

Hark - the oracle speaks! A bolt of lightning falls from the sky! SHAZAAM! As the smoke clears, the hidden deity in you emerges and is revealed to be:

EROS, God of Love.

As a devotee of this long-neglected virtue, you are a committed romantic. You prefer to savor the joys of seduction before you step into the bedroom. This quality makes you incredibly attractive to women, who seem to melt in your presence. They sense your strong character and respect your ideals. They dream of stealing you away and making dreamy love to you all day long. Not to say you wouldn't be happy to oblige, but you want to make sure that there's some emotional or intellectual compatibility between you and your partner to carry the relationship along. By the time you are ready to show them your godly performance, they're hooked. You take sex seriously and show your lucky woman a passion that has only existed in her wildest dreams. You are probably an emotionally expressive and sensitive person whose pleasure comes from pleasing others. Your chivalrous ways have probably earned you a following of fans and a trail of satisfied mortals in your wake.

2001-02-20T20:02:00.000-05:00

I HAVE RETURNED!!!!!

It has been such a long time since I have sat before this blog and I have missed it. I do not get the time to write I once took. There are many things that race through my mind each day. Things that I wish for my beautiful Michelle to hear are sometimes lost in the days confusion. I have this time now to recall some of the thoughts of her I have each day.
I have told my sweet girl that I love her in many ways. I have shown her the feelings inside the deepest parts of my soul she has unlocked. I have, as she put it in words "evolved" into a man I can be proud of and not embarrased to show the world just how much the woman I married means to me. But most of all I have come to discover that the love I have and I feel within me for this ANGEL OF MINE is fathomless. Each day that passes, each twist and turn our lives takes, every page that is turned, each time I look into those stunning blue eyes and I see that I am missed, that there is love looking back at me like I once saw before. I feel as though I have been blessed and my love for her grows a little deeper. If that is possible. It must be , because I find it happening to me.

Love always Dordie :o)

2001-01-11T19:46:00.000-05:00

Michelle..........What you do to me!!!!!!!

So sensual and deeply felt
Are thesubtle glances you cast my way
When we are close but cannot touch
Oh! how you make my heart stop that way....

As the stares from your captivating eyes draw me closer
They reach deep within me and begin to play
You toy with my soul and steal my breath
Oh! how you make my heart stop each day...

My knees become weak and I tremble with desire.
I feel the strings of my heart begin to fray
as I read the seductive whispers escaping from your lips
Oh! how you make my heart that way....

You close your eyes and send a gentle kiss
Your beauty surpasses all I know and see
That kiss crashes into me and there is no one else but you
Who can stop my heart that way....

You see what you have done to me and smile
My heart pounds again as I close the distance us and say
Take me my sweet love, Take me. I surrender.
You have stopped my heart for in yet another way....

As you wrap your arms around me and our lips meet
You tell my soul without words, that everything is Ok
"Be at peace my love" you say.
I will be here to stop your heart each and every day.

Dordie :o)

2001-01-06T18:13:00.000-05:00

SO much to write about and so little time to do it in. I wish I could post more often but I cannot. Life is moving at the speed of light and we all can do nothing but hang on. I fear too much will be missed and I find myself scibbling on any thing I can find just about anywhere I might be so it will not be forgoten.
An event that both Michelle and I have been anticipating has come about and Tracey has moved in with us. I do love her so and I am glad that we are in a possition that she could do that. Michelle and I have found each other again and it is beautiful. Now to add in the third of best friends can only mean that the three of us, who think so much alike, can just be here to support and love each other and have a little fun after all that has been happening. I think we all deserve to just cuddle up under that special blanket for a while and feel safe in each others love. HEY WATCH WERE YOU TWO ARE PUTTING YOUR HANDS. IM NOT THAT TYPE OF GUY. "HEHEHE!"
No, but seriously that would be heaven. It is a wonderful feeling to have three friends that can be that close to each other and feel competely comfortable together. How much more can a person be thankful for??? I have been given the second chance to find that out and I am already so thankful for what has been given to me in this life. I almost threw it all away and didn't even know I was doing it.

My ANGELS must have been working overtime to pull this one off. I am now a true believer that LOVE, real honest LOVE that you cannot fake will conquer all that is.

I am now a different person in all the ways that I should be and I am proud of who I have become. I like this person I am growing into. I like him alot. Thank you my Angel babies. You know who you two are. I love you both. Lets start living a little together!!!!!!!!

Your one and only Dordie Baby ;o)

2000-12-30T18:03:00.000-05:00

Well.... that was incredible! There is just something about those special tasty treats that leaves me always wanting more and there is just something about that secret sauce. I don't know what she puts in it but I can only say that I crave it nightly. I think I will just have to indulge in another one later. I should also tell you that this sandwich carries no calories, as if I have to watch my weight any way! HA!
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Yummmmmy! I can hardly wait............................................................

Sorry! Drifted for a minute, back now.

As any of the regular readers can probably sense. I am feeling much better these days. The past two weeks have generally been great except for a couple of momentary break downs and one big one, But Michelle has always been there to hold me and warm my heart again with her comforting reasurance and loving words. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for still having her in my life this way. I say MY LIFE, well, Michelle is MY LIFE. The only one I have come to know and the only one I will ever care to. I never knew that a person could have so much of this kind of feeling for another person locked up inside thier heart and now that mine has gained the freedom to express what it feels for Michelle I know our life together has just increased ten fold. It seems that every day that passes we become more and more ONE again. What an incredible feeling!
When all this began, a day I will never forget (Oct 28,2000) I had never before felt so completely destroyed in all my life. In the blink of an eye, in the single crash of the heart beat I though was my last, before the tears that streamed down my face had time to hit the floor I felt as though I wanted to die. I thought I was already dead. There was nothing left. I had already lost her.... I must tell you some of Michelle's sweet words that she said to me only a couple of nights ago. One sentence in perticular stands out in my mind. She said, "You were so brave to fight for me not knowing or thinking that I may not love you the way you wanted me too anymore, but still you were brave and you fought for me." I will tell you that in that horrible moment I was not the one who was brave. In fact it was my heart that took over from that time. Even if I didn't know what was happening. My heart knew that she loved me still and that it was going to do everything in its power to let her know just how much she ment to me. It gave me the strength to believe and the hope to carry on as did her words and comforting arms.
I must go now but I will be back later. I would like to say that in that first moment I may not have known it until many days later that I was a boy no longer. I have become a man equal to my peers and in some ways I hope better. I love you Michelle and there is nothing false about that. Nothing I have said or done has been false during this so dificult time for both of us. I will always be here for you with open arms and a warm heart to comfort you. I will see you soon baby.

All my self.... Your Dordie ;o)

2000-12-29T18:53:00.000-05:00

Forget those bachelor meals, I will tell you the ingredients to the most tantalizingly delicious, mouthwatering, tastebud savoring sandwich I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. And best of all, it isn't made from leftovers, only clean , fresh, quality products. First I would like to start with soft, bakery warm Pita bread, nice soft fleshy pockets to cushion the incredible morsels within their folds. When I spread open these folds I will find beneath a thin layer of the sweetest sauce ( a secret recipe created just for me by someone very special ). I will tell you the sauce has an incredible taste of honey, with the tangy sweetness of mao...mmmm. On top of this sweet layer spread out neatly in a slightly flowered pattern , are the thinnest slices of light pink ham, resting gently on either side of the pita's soft cushioning. Inside those layers of ham, right in the middle I dab a bit more of the tasty sauce so that when I wrap my mouth around the finished product , the warm juices flow directly into my mouth. When you close the folds of the sandwich together, just sprinkle a few alpha sprouts on the closed folds and I guarantee this delicate morsel will look as good as it will tastes. Bachelors eat your heart out , this is a meal reserved for a happily married man, a real man.
Dordie

2000-12-24T23:32:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas Everyone ! I do believe in Santa Claus... this has always been my favourite time of year ! The only time I can be away from work and be with my family and enjoy them. Thank you to my angels whomever you may be . I will always remember this Christmas as being my best so far...I love you Michelle !

2000-12-15T13:23:00.000-05:00

Happy anniversary my sweet love. I sit here awaiting your return. I can honestly say that the desire to take you in my arms and kiss you so that you will know all I have said and done is only the begining of the incredible life that I hope we will spend together as best friends, confidants, lovers and parents is by far the greatest desire I have ever experienced in my life. You have truely opened my heart and set free the confidence in me to become the man I have so long searched for. The man who can do anything without doubt and the man who finds no effort in loving you with all that is possible to be found in any heart. You are my "ONE" and that is something that I will never question again as long as we both shall live. I can only hope that in time you may find that I am the same in your heart and soul. I think you will because I can already see flashes of it in your beautiful eyes and I can feel that passion in your kisses.

Never doubt my feelings for you again. I will make it quite Impossible for that to happen anyway. You have unlocked my heart and soul and now I am going to do the same to you. I think you already know that.
I will see you soon. Hold on tight. This is going to be one rollercoaster you are never going to want to get off of. The funny thing is that I'm actually going to be right there holding your hand. Find that one hard to believe? Just you wait and see!!!

LOVE DORDIE ;o)

2000-12-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HA !!!!!!!!

2000-12-12T09:09:00.000-05:00

MICHELLE (my Angel)

Here is just a little though I had in hopes that someday soon I will hold you close and know that "WE" are what "WE" need! I quote;
"Take a look at my face. There is no price I won't pay to say these words to you."

I AM.....

Captivated by your blue eyes
My memories are all too clear...
Of things we've done and said
I'll pull you close now dear.

Lost within you it seems
A heart captured in the years...
Of all our dreams
Now lost somewhere in my tears...

My heart is still bleeding
I cannot lessen the flow...
In my silent pleeding
I just refuse to let go.

I know we dream alike
I am truely awake and found...
I can see and feel you struggling
To discover some kind of solid ground.

Your tears I will dry
Your fears I will console...
I'll hold you close and cry
When we are again whole.

I found you once and
Captivated I still remain...
Trapped by a moment in time
My hearts freedom I have again.

Free now to love you completely
With no regrets or lies...
Free now to put back all
The passion in your beautiful eyes. Dordie.

This is such a small part of who I am. There is so much more I want to give of myself to you Michelle. I want to be so deep inside your heart that you will never again feel that you are not the single most incredible woman in the entire world to me. Everything I do, every breath I take. I take for you and our wonderful children. As difficult as they and the world can be at times. I will stand with pride by you for who your are and never let you know again that you are not my princess at all times. I hold no one in higher esteem than you. With you at my side holding my hand there can be no stronger man alive. I am proud of who I am, what I believe and to tell everyone that you are my wife, my best friend, a woman who can stand up for her self and that I love her for that. I know you will find the answers you seek. As illusive as they may seem right now. I know we were brought together for a reason or reasons not clear to us yet and I will do all that is within me to make sure that you never know anything different than the fact that I love you with more of my heart, mind,and soul than I could ever hope to describe to you in simple words.
I hope that I have made some sense in these words and besides you know I'm just going to keep bugging you to death. So don't you dare give in yet. I don't think you are ready for all of me. You have to take these things slow. In time you will come to know the true depth of our love for each other and all the things that we share. I just let you forget for a time. You know, I just wanted something like this to happen to shake things up a bit. HA! HA! HA! YA RIGHT!!!! Well it has happened and in most ways I am thankful for it. I have nightmares over the thought that I could have just carried on the way I was going and you would have been so unhappy. That thought gives me even more strength to stand tall and hold myself together. As hard as it has been at times for me and for you I know that this feeling I have for you could not be matched by any man.

Don't be afraid to cry over him. I will hold you close and my love will sooth your pain. Our love for each other will heal the both of us.

I love you in all your differnent complex ways. Long passionate kisses your DORDIE :o)

2000-12-07T22:29:00.000-05:00

Well! I finally made it back. The past few days have seemed like an eternity. So much work to do, so much preparing for christmas and not nearly enough time spent with Michelle. The time we have spent together though has been wonderful. I am so in love with this woman. You cannot imagine what I am feeling when I Iook at her. I feel like such a lucky man to be with her and to love her this way. Like I always dreamed of and found it so difficult to just do. I have let the world and what other people might think control my life long enough. I will not let it happen again! I am taking control and if anyone seems to think I am wierd or different. Well, to bad! This is my life and I am going to live it while I'm alive." I love that song"

I have managed to bring my fears of Michelle leaving under some control. I just set the thought in my mind that I do love her completely and with all my heart and soul and nothing could be more true than that fact. I have not given up. Oh no, not at all . I just stopped trying to control things and in that I have found some peace. I can feel the two of us drawing closer each day. I pray to a higher power that I believe is out there somewhere watching and possibly helping, each day for the only outcome I can dream of. A family together, stronger, closer, knowing each other completely and happier in love for it.

I have now taken faith in myself and in what I feel will happen in the days and weeks to come. I cannot see the future but for some reason, a reason I will keep secret. I felt better for the first time since the day I was Thunderstruck. (Oct 28/2000) A day I will never forget as long as I live. The heavy hand that clenched my heart seemed to relax its grip a great deal and I am happier today.

These next words come straight from my heart for my Angel Michelle. When I touch her there is nothing in this world that I can think of that feels as good as she does....

HEART OF THUNDER!!!

Beat still my heart of thunder.
Your pounding threatens to crumble the very groung beneath me I fear.
Flashes of light from your fire blind my reality..
And she is there.

Beat still. Oh! beat still this heart of thunder.
You will soon hold her again and gaze upon her beauty.
Gaze deep into her radiant blue eyes...
And you will beat still!

For in her final moment of despair her tears shattered your silence and you heard.
Every cry she ever sent out became one and you awoke.
To burn so fiercly within this mortal figure I fear it will be consumed.
Beat still this heart of thunder her kiss awaits.

Beat still, beat strong now. She has shown you the way.
Revealing your mislead paths.
Always fighting battles far ahead in search of greater strength.
When all along the greatest strength you could ever achieve stood so patiently behind you.
Pleading desperatly to be heard. Pleading, "I'm here!. I'm right here!".
Beat still and lead this angel to the place she so longed to journey too. If only you alone would take her there.

Beat still my heart of thunder.
The sun has risen upon your dark struggle.
Reached into you and revealed that it is her touch alone that silences the storms.
Turn around and you will beat still!

Oh! Heart of thunder so pure she has finally reached you.
Embrace her with all your strength and fire.
Steadily warm her shaking fragile soul. Beat still! Beat still!
Soon I will reunite you with her and you will beat still MY HEART OF THUNDER!!!!!!!!

For My Michelle. Feel safe in my arms each night. I am here now my love. Gentle kisses..... Your Dordie Baby :o)

2000-11-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

If any of the readers of this so real soap opera support me or have comments of any nature on my words. Please feel free to email. There will come no judgement from me. I think I'm in need of a little support right now. Thank you :o)

2000-11-30T20:31:00.000-05:00

I have to be apart from my wife Michelle more than I like. Simply because work is piling up and new jobs seem to come almost every day. Business couldn't be better and yet it is so difficult to be there alone. When all I can think of is hearing her voice and touching her soft face. Staring into her beautful blue eyes and kissing her gently as to let her know how strong the feeling of love is inside me that I have for her. In the moments after our parting each day I feel charged, on fire, like I could take on the whole world and win. Only thinking of the next time I will hold her in my arms again and feel safe. It does not last long enough though. That wonderful feeling. I have noticed that this feeling is lasting a little longer each day as we become closer and rediscover each other. Suddenly my heart begins to feel heavy and my chest begins to labour for every breath I draw in. My chest hurts as it never has before. This time away from my Michelle is far too exhausting. I sit here looking down at what I have written all I can see is her lovely, sweet face on the paper before me. Her eyes deeper than the deepest ocean, her lips so soft and supple. So much more radiant she appears to me every day. How is it possible to keep falling deeper and deeper in love with this woman I have shared everything with over the past thirteen years? The good times and the bad. We have survived them all. I believe we will survive this too and only come together stronger than ever. I can pray for no other outcome. Things would get so much less confusing for her if the other person involved in this would just go away. Stop writing, calling, what ever, just go away and let us have a clean, clear chance to put things back together. I would use laymans terms to convey what I am saying, but That would not be appropriate language for some people to read. I am not sorry I feel this way. I think anyone would in the same situation right now. Michelle and I have so much in common. We suit each other both physically, mentally, and passionately. If that makes any sense. We've had our troubles but we were made for each other.
The time draws nearer when we can finally be together again at the end of another torturous day to comfort each other and just hug. The minutes that pass now have turned into hours it seems. I am shaking uncontrollably now. Like an addict struggling with the demons of time to reach his next fix. Your love Michelle is my drug and the return of your affection is my greatest high. The excitement your touch brings to me is almost too much for this body to bare. The most incredible feeling rushes from deep within me and causes my world to spin, my flesh to tingle, and my heart races as though it has no rythum. Eratic and out of control. I have to hold my chest to keep from falling to the floor. You will be coming soon. Coming back to these strong, steady arms that will be forever open to you and hold you so close when you are in need. So close I will pull you next to me. Closer, closer, closer!

Only together will we find the rest of you my sweet ANGEL, Only together. XOXO LUA DORDIE ;o)

2000-11-30T19:46:00.000-05:00

BE BRAVE I TELL MYSELF NOW. YOU KNOW ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT, BETTER THAN EVER!!!!

Michelle talks about needing to find her self. To be on her own possibly still might be what she needs to really see that she needs to be with me as much as I need her to stay. This hurts! I mean real physical pain that I feel when I think of that possible moment. As I hear the words in my head even now. A sharp burning pain penatrates my heart and body from within. Tears flame in my eyes as I struggle to be strong and fight them back down. These green eyes of mine see so much more now. Eyes that cannot see enough of her.
I asked Michelle if she knew why I closed my eyes when I touched her face, just her skin. She replied "no". I answered, "because I just want to feel her. Like a child discovering something for the first time. I want to draw you in and lavish in all the sensations that touching you brings to me.
I remember recently when she entered the room and we began to laugh for what I cannot remember, but we laughed today and yesterday. Between the tears and the deep sensual stares into each others pain filled loving eyes, we laughed. More than we have in months. It was WONDERFUL!!

2000-11-28T21:34:00.000-05:00

PASSIONS KISS

The love that builds within my heart
Threatens to bring down its once rusted gates...
My soul is flaming with desire
As passions kiss my mouth awaits...

I touch the vision of her sweetly
The screams within me resonate...
Off the walls of my heart, deafening me completely
On nothing else can I concentrate...

I am bound by chains I cannot see
Forced to tremble in this frozen state...
I never knew how strong love could be
Silently, for passions kiss I wait...

I look into her eyes and see it there
I reach out to draw her near...
I grasp it in her stare
And feel the passion when she is here...

I plead in whispered torment
"Return to me this precious love"...
I have so denied and bent
"Return to me my true love"...

I pray as she gazes
Upon this mortal figure so in pain...
That she finds within her hearts mazes
Passions kiss again...

In her tortured existance I hold her stronger
My rusted, fragile cage...
Can hold me no longer
I dream that passions kiss will rage...

Back to me It will soar
Embrace my pounding heart so sweet...
Like the lions from the cage do roar
Our souls will once again be one complete...

This vision strengthens my feeling
And I wonder of our fate...
Her gentle kiss begins my healing
As passions kiss I await...

I cry! "save me my only you
Look again at how it once burned...
I shall rescue you too
With passions kiss returned..!

For Michelle
Your rescue is closer than you think... Dordie Loves YA! ;o)

2000-11-28T19:37:00.000-05:00

Hello again. I'm sorry I have not written here in a few days. As I said before my time is limited. Especially since all I desire is to spend time with my wife and this past weeked was wonderful. The time we had with each other took us away for a short time. Away from this incredibly difficult situation for all concerned. I all most had too much fun, if that's possible.
I would like to say thank you "Pidge" for your honest words and your concerns. You were correct in saying that my anger at the moment was misdirected. I am by no means mad at Michelle in any way. I mean how can you feel that way towards the one person who gave herself to you so long ago and all they ever wanted was to be noticed by that person in return. If I am completely honest with every one, including myself. I am a little "something" towards the other man in my wifes heart, but its not anger. I think it is jelousy. The only person I am angry at is myself and only myself for how many times Michelle reached out and tried to tell me she needed my complete love and passion and I just couldn't grasp what she really meant. I thought... "I am here" "What does she mean?" " She is just feeling down... she will get over it". I have now seen how I was through different eyes and I feel so horrible. I only pray that my wife for the past eleven years can know how sorry I am, find the passion she once felt for me and blend it in with all the other wonderful things that we both share in our lives together. I hope that she will find me in her heart completely again and together we will build an incredible future with each other and our beautiful children. I do believe that if two people with more passion inside them than ten people could ever dream to have, come together and share the love in each others hearts that the outcome can be nothing short of indescribable.
What I now feel for this angel in my life is not just love. I'm not sure just what it is but I know that it has come from out of this world. I am not going crazy. No... not in the slightest. I can now see things clearer than I ever have before and it is an INCREDIBLE feeling.

I would like to finish with one final comment today and that is; To the other man involved in this, who's name I still refuse to voice. My comments to you may have been a little harsh but you truely have no idea how much I really care for this woman in my life. You say she can become your everything. You can become her everything if given time. She always has been my entire reason for fighting so hard to give her and our children a better life. From the moment I saw her she has been MY EVERYTHING!
I am sorry if the truth in my words and the tone in which I conveyed them stung. I am not a man that deliberately sets out to hurt people in any way; but I have finally found the courage and the strength to stand up for myself , not be afraid to drop my mask, show everyone who I really am and how much Michelle means to me. Show everyone that this woman and her love for me has made me the man that I am today and forever will be. I know that you did not intend for any of this to happen; but it has and in the end there can only be pain and heartache for someone. The one I fear for most is Michelle. Simply because I know her. I know how hard she can fall and how long her pain can last first hand. There was another before me but he did not love her anywhere near the depth that I have come too. Still in that end she fell for a long time. She may appear strong and she is on the outside; But inside those gates you have entered.... her heart is so fragile. Be sure of what you do and say. She will discover the truth in her own time and way, where her heart HONESTLY wants to be. I think I have finally accepted that now and I will stand strong beside her in all cases. She will need someone that knows how to catch her when she falls. My arms are SURE and STEADY. In all this, that is what I can say with the most confidence.

I will stand beside you my sweet Michelle and let no one dare to judge. God help them! I LOVE YOU DEEPLY!!!!!! Your Dordie :o)

2000-11-24T02:15:00.000-05:00

I am now about to open a door that I have kept locked because I felt there was no need to open it and there was no desire to even reach for the key until now. I have shared so much with the people involved in this emotional and confusing time that they have seen sides of me they never knew existed. I didn't even know they existed to the depth I have discovered them too. Especially "LOVESHACKBABY ","MY ANGEL", "MY WIFE" Michelle. She was brought to believe that even though I loved her, I just didn't have the ability to show it in the way she needed it shown. She couldn't live the rest of her life like that anymore. Now that my life has been changing so quickly my true inner self has been given the shock that it needed I guess, to allow it to emerge with a vengence from the labrynth of my soul . I must let you know that I am not just a loving, strong, passionate, head over heals in love with the woman he has shared the past thirteen years with, guy.... I can also become angry and vengeful and right now I think I have the right to be a little "ANGRY". A man that can stand up for what he thinks to be right and true and fight so fiercely for something that lies so close to his heart that its almost inside it, no matter what the cost! So hang on this is about to become one hell of a ride!!!!!
As I now share the feelings that have been hidden away and building up within me, my inner self will have completely obtained true, utter, flying high, earth shattering "FREEDOM". Until now this feeling seemed inconsequencial, not even really there. I suppose I just needed some time to allow certain things to become clearer and let my racing, emotion swept mind to put things into some sort of order and understanding.
There is only "ONE" person I now direct the rest of this page to and I think we all know who he is. I'm sure he knows who he is or maybe he is a little confused too. I don't care! He will read this and I hope he will take a STEP BACK or TWO and seriously asess the entire situation that has been created around us all. Not just himself. Slow down and reconsider ALL of the possible outcomes. She hasn't left me YET!!!. That in itself is obviously saying something that he is REFUSING TO HEAR!! or BELIEVE!!
OK! Lets go through this whole thing from the begining. I was such an ignorant,unsharing, wrapped up in my own little world, thought to be unable to show love to any great degree, man. Did I get that right? I left "MY WIFE" and "BEST FRIEND" feeling lonely... unloved. Emotionally abandoned and empty, in my narrow minded quest to become the best that anyone could be in his business and give his family better future. I failed to to give the most important thing to them that there is in this world." MY SELF and MY COMPLETE LOVE" I think this revelation has come a bit too late. Innocently my wife,"Michelle", went looking for comfort and consoling, someone to at least talk too. You ISLANDJACK Innocently she found and innocently you listened, shared and comforted her. Nothing changed but for brief moments when I would drift in again and back out on my end. These circumstances allowed a relationship to blossom. Nothing deliberate, but it just happened. It took my INCREDIBLE WIFE Michelle and yourself to a place so peaceful and serene. A place out of this world, away from reality. A dangerous place, A place to escape!
Suddenly though! In my discovery of this relationship I did not know what to think. In the hour from my discovering until I entered our house where Michelle was waiting my return in shock. I could only shake! I didn't know whether is was in anger or hurt or loss or complete devistation. I entered the house shaking, my heart pounding and fire in my eyes. As I closed the door and brought my firey eyes to meet hers I was struck so hard by all the times I failed to show her just how much she really meant to me and all the times I held back my true self. For fear of what I do not know and may never know. All the times I didn't let her know that without her there really was nothing. Over the past thirteen tears she has "HONESTLY" become my other half and at that moment I realized all that had past and could not be changed. What was done had been done and I was sure I was already too late. My world and my heart were shattered in the blink of her radiant ice blue eyes. At that moment I was changed forever I now know as I write this.
We all make mistakes in our lives. This one I may have to live with for the rest of mine. If that is so then so be it. Until now I've had no one else to blame but myself. There is only one thing I have confidence in now and that is the fact that whatever happens. MICHELLE will know how much I do love and always have loved her and I say this with the DEEPEST commitment !!!

NOW....on to you ISLANDJACK !!!!

Innocently this affair between the two of you started and no intentions were set for an outcome. You backed away when I came into the picture, which I now know , I was always in and didn't even know it. You wanted Michelle to find herself and her true feelings. Understandable....
You had no intentions of destroying another man's life and taking all he held so close to his heart, even if he didn't know how dear it was to him or how to show it . This troubled you I am sure , as did Michelle's guilt. She said goodbye to you but could not completely let go. I mean how could she, I have changed so fast and so suddenly over these past few weeks, she was asking herself and still is ..."Has he changed for good?" ....Something very hard to accept I am sure, when so many times before when she confided in me and asked for my attention, I would try for awhile and then fade away again. I understand her doubts and do not deny anything , and now we are just taking it day by day.
YOU on the other hand , have changed , from innocently falling in love , to deliberately trying to obtain something and take something away from someone else for your own benefit , with a confidence that is far to dangerous for any man to have. I am not sure what gives you this confidence, but you should know a few things....
Her heart will never completely be yours...Our children will never be yours...and our caring for one another will never die !!! We are both a part of our children and yes we have become half of each other whether you choose to believe it or not. You say you know her so well and you know what she needs....I have loved her for thirteen years and even I do not fully know these things. You've known her for less than four months and I say...HOW can you possibly be arrogant and confident enough to think that !
I may lose Michelle in some ways...the ways I do not want to and until that time, I am reaching out and holding on with an inner strength I have never felt before in my life.. There is nothing that can break that grip !
I am not sorry for saying what I have said. I have taken a step back and assessed completely this time , I have questioned my own feelings , looked at what I have done and not done and I found positively what my true intentions are . I know them to be true because after thirteen years it couldn't possibly be NEW LOVE , or plain infatuation. Exciting and dangerous ! I don't have to say that I have finally found the one...I found her long ago. NO ! It is the definition of TRUE LOVE not new love that I have found . I know that I love her more now than I ever thought possible.
If what I have said has not taken hold of you , in every possible facet of it's meaning, ISLANDJACK ....I suggest you read it again !
Now by chance you have heard and realized the entire truth in this whole situation and are about to take that step back. I want you to realize that I know she cares for you and is torn two ways right now and I can't say for sure what the outcome will be.
What I have said is true and I hope it hurts ...because I am hurting and you have lit the final fire within me , with some of your presumptions, you know the ones I am referring to.....

2000-11-22T18:44:00.000-05:00

I can see her pain. Every suttle change in her expresion tells me a story. I've known her for so long that I can almost read her mind at times. As though I just know what she is feeling. Like the feeling I got when we first met. One look at her and I knew that this was the person I would share a part of me forever. Little did I know just how big a part that would become. Where ever I go, what ever I do or whoever I become. She has rapped her essence around my very core. Infiltrated my very genetic make up. In someones eyes out there in this great universe I am sure that we appear as ONE! Brought together by who or for what reason I am not sure. It just feels right and maybe someday I will now the true answer to those questions. For now I only wish to be with Michelle and our three beautiful children just to enjoy them to the fullest. Even in the difficult times. I don't care for those questions right now....

Please bare with me. I know that things seem a little confusing at times as to when some of this writing was done. Some I have writen recently and some was writen three weeks ago as the different events unfolded. I will try to let everyone now when the different pages were writen. Now and again I will be writing in the present days events as things continue to progress. I hope that makes sense.

Oct 30 (night)
I'm in the same room as her now. She has been home for a couple of hours now and I'm finally able to breath again. Her comfort has steady my heart once more. Just her presence now keeps my body from shaking uncontrolably. I find myself longing for our bed so I can read to her and let her know all that I am feeling. So she can express to me what she is feeling and I will try to understand. I must write to truely express what I feel so she may hear all my words. Which for me are hard to voice at this time. In the hopes that she will be able to see my pain, feel my love and hear my soul crying out in anguish. Someday I hope to be able to speak as fluently as the ink flows from this pen I use. For now though and until that time comes I will write everything and know it is for her and her alone that I do. It seems to be the only thing I can do right now that brings my shaking world under some control, steadied!
I looked across the room and had to place my hand upon my chest. As if it would prevent my heart from jumping out. I'm lost in her beautiful golden hair, her soft smooth skin and the intense look in her deep, radiant blue eyes. I look at her full red lips and ache to bring mine to them. I want to rap my arms around her and together we would feel safe for the moment. At least until the walls started to shake again and our world began to spin out of control. Steady me my love! Seady me.....Steady me.....

2000-11-22T17:32:00.000-05:00

How strange the many ways are that we can become famous. I guess for now anyway you can say that this is our fifteen minutes in the SPOT LIGHT! Some how I had pictured it a little differently and will someone please tell me why it is lasting for what seems an ETERNITY. I say "its not over yet so stay tuned. There is lots more to come I'm sure.......Dordie ;o)

2000-11-21T19:23:00.000-05:00

I now want to continue with October 29th.

I'm about to lay beside her now. I hunger but cannot eat.I tire but do not sleep. I shake and cannot still my frame. I ache and I know there is no medicine. I only want to hold you,that is all I know right now. My dearest Michelle I want to wake you,just be with you. The night is long...

October 30.... I still cannot eat. My hunger grows but food is tasteless. I Read a book once where the main character stopped eating in hopes that the pain in his hunger would make every thing clearer. Maybe subconsiously this is what is happening to me. The only taste I desire right now is her kiss.
Now even with all the shock and pain we are in the middle of. Last night we experienced the most passionate love making I believe we both had only caught hold of but for a moment in the past. I never want to let myself slip away again. This is the real me and I refuse to hide him away. I want to let people know that I am a passionate person and always have been. I work with passion. I play with passion. I think passionately. I have secretly loved with passsion. It will be a secret no longer. I shall write with all this passion as I have always wanted too and I want every one to know that. I want to tell the world that I am here, I am a man and YES! I do have FEELINGS!!!! and I do hurt so much right now.
As I spoke of passionate love. Sensations all new to me. My pain opens me and lets in the light. This morning everything looked different to me. The whole world around me has changed some how. I saw things as I had not before. The trees, the sun, the road, people, everything!I saw an old friend and we spoke briefly. I looked at him and swore I could see the aura around him. A true friend he has been without judgement. Sincere and honest. Something I have not been even with him. He knows not the true person I am. I think he caught a glimps this morning. There is deffinately a different aura about me now. I can feel it.It feels as though it is radiating from me and it is as though people can actually sense it. Though torn and heavy hearted,each breath becoming hard than the last to take inward. I fell as if I am glowing.

My MIchelle,my Aphrodity! Hear these words....
I pass you, I touch you, I pass you, I kiss you, I walk away but am drawn back. I know I'm overwhelming you, I cannot help it. The love I feel for you and never completely shown but for a brief monent is now just spilling out of me. The gates were not opened. NO! The dam has been ruptured beyond repair and my entire being, soul and self is rushing through the cracks. Riding on this enormous wake of emotion. There is no force that can stop it now. I break down in tears as I write this. Another song plays on the juke box that has such a new meaning now. With tears streaming down my face you have come to gently wipe them away. I am thankful you are still here. Hold me close my love.I fear I cannot stand alone.......Dordie:o(

2000-11-21T18:07:00.000-05:00

A WAR OF WORDS I do not fight.Jokingly or not.My ego has nothing to do with what I write.In fact I'm thinking even less of myself than nothing in these days of recalling all the things I should have shared with" MY ANGEL".All the times I didn't show her just how much she really meant to me.The world! I write from the heart and soul only so that, no matter what the out come."MICHELLE" will know that I have always loved her completely and even more now...

I am SORRY,truely SORRY!!! Dordie:o(

2000-11-19T22:33:00.000-05:00

As I sit here and wait for Michelle's return my heart pounds so fiercly. I want to express the last 24 hours to you before I continue with my words of the past weeks, which I will reveal in time. I must share what I have felt and am now feeling. Even as I wonder myself what that is exactly.

I start with the fact that my love for Michelle, My wife of eleven years this December fifteenth, goes deeper than anyone, even more than myself could ever fathom. I may be wrong in saying that. I'm sure there are others out there that feel for someone in their lives as I feel for this woman. Unfortunately for now it has taken me too long to realize and the damage done has gone too deep.

The man Michelle has captured the heart of. The man that has so enchanted her. Professed his feelings in a recent letter.( refer to islandjack). He waited to see if what she was feeling was true. If her feelings were wavered by my efforts. They have not been for now!
Yes! I am still speaking with much hope and faith. Remember. I am an Aries. I am a fighter. I am an optimist and yes I am a very passionate man.

Last night upon returning from work Michelle revealed to me this mans letter and intensions. It was not so much these things that effected me in such a way that I thought I would colapse. NO! It felt as though my legs would give out from under me at any moment. I began to shake uncontrolably. NO! It was not his words. It was the look on her face. The wound in my heart was deepened so greatly that I feared it beyond repair. I took the kids to the Santa Claus parade and as I stood there among all those people, I never felt so alone and cold in all my life. People seemed to create a circle around me and though they were there. They were not. Holding my chest. Tears streaming down my face. I thought of all the times to come that I would feel this way. Without the sunshine at my side. Someone bumped me and I thought it was Michelle. My heart skipped a beat. It was not. I felt at that moment that I would surely bleed to death and my heart would stop at any time now. I was afraid someone would ask me what was wrong. They didn'tt and for that I am thankful. My foundations would surely have crumbled beneath me. I fought down the tears on the way home, but my daughter asked the fatal question as we entered the driveway. "Whats wrong Daddy?" I choked. I entered the house and said "I need to lay down" "I need to cry" As I hit the bed her arms and body cushioned my falling. I cried as I never have before. I told her how I felt so alone. Wanted someone to please help me. The pain in my chest was unbareable. I felt as though the fire within me was being stamped out.

A strange thing then happened. As I lay there crying in her arms shaking uncontrollably. I noticed she was crying as I was. I returned her embrace and in that I now believe my healing had begun. Slight as it may seem. It did not feel like it at that moment but now I see more clearly. Those tears meant more to me than anything she could have said. More than any words could convey. My pain has not ended by any means. My healing will be long in coming and the scar will never fade from my heart. I am just thankful she is giving me this time, this opportunity to love her as I should have long ago. To comfort me in my greatest time of need. She is my Princess and for me that will never change. Her plans are set and the time when she departs will come far too soon for me. But in these final days and weeks I shall bring down my kingdom and lay it at her feet, rose petals she will walk on. Angel wings she will rest upon. My strong hands will caress her beautiful skin. In my kisses she will feel my soul burning. As she sleeps I will stand guard. Sword at my side, heart in my hand and she will know what I had intended for her all these years, but for reasons I do not understand and will never know. I failed to deliver.
I can only pray now as I kneel at the foot of her bed, that in my absence her heart will ache for me terribly. Only time will tell. I will protect her from any storm that may come her way....

Sleep well my love.I shall be who I am and you my Princess.
Dordie :o)

2000-11-16T23:34:00.000-05:00

As she lay in her restful beauty that night. I stared at her and could feel so much emotion. Emotion unlike any I had ever felt before. The thought that she could have left. The thought that maybe it is too late for me. The question, "Can I bring her back to me?"
So many thoughts. So many questions. So many thoughts with her in my arms that night.

I could not sleep. It felt as though daggers were piercing my heart. Every one deeper than the last. I stared at her and wondered how I would be able to carry on. Leaving for work each day and not being near her. Before that task was hard enough. Now it would be UNBAREABLE!!!

All the things I wanted to do with her. Want even more so now. To walk, talk, sing and play. Just breath! I stare at her. I watch her every move. I inhale her very essence and hold her so tight that we almost become one for a moment. This day has become an eternity. I think to myself and write these words as I watch her from another room. Longing to touch her. Waiting for the time when we can lay in our bed together.

All these years I've wasted in pursuit of happiness forever seeming to be just out of reach. I would get so close I could taste it. I now realize in the span of just one day. I was reaching in the wrong direction.

My childern even notice."GOD" I've been so terrible. I have ignored them too. They are so wonderful. All the members of this beautiful family. My Michelle. Dear sweet , longing to be utterly loved Michelle. My Cameron. My oldest, just wanting to be near me and learn from his dad. My Summer. So special, just wanting a little of my time to tell me about her day. Last but not least. My little Denim. The three year old that loves me with all that he is. He waits for my return from work each day just so I could rush him to sleep. He knows nothing but innocence. I truely lost my way somewhere. What have I done?

I feel so defeated right now sitting here. Aching to hold my wife. Defeated in every possible way. All at my own hand. What if? What if? I should have. I should have. Repeating in my head. Driving me futher and further into despair.

If you are reading this right now. I don't just mean my Michelle, my goddess, my Aphrodity. Who ever you may be. Eliminate those five words from your vocabulary right now and just tell the people around you, the ones close to your heart. How you feel about them. How you love them dearly. Not next week. Not tomorrow. RIGHT NOW! I AM!

I just hope I can make this funny, loving, strong and fragile, beautiful to me in every way imaginable , woman, love me as she once did. The way I have now found that I truely love her no matter what. Wake my love. Wake and be with me in this world tonight. I need your warm embrace to stop my shaking. I know how emotionaly drained you are. I feel the same. Only together can we heal. I whisper "I Love you"."I Love you". Love is the word we associate with this feeling I have and such a small word it is. Too small.

Kissing you softly Michelle, Your Dordie A&F :o(

2000-11-15T13:47:00.000-05:00

WOW! The words within me.....the feelings so wonderful, they are at the point even today that I must bring them into focus. I will start by saying that MY Michelle, MY beautiful baby has made me feel so special in so many ways. The words she said to me on Saturday morning drift in my head and whenever they float close to my reality, my heart pounds and I slip deeper in love with her. She truly has become my angel. At the slightest glimpse of her I feel a warm rush. As she looks back at me and smiles my breath shakes. We touch each other and I tremble. We kiss and a feeling so tremendous arises in me that I feel as though I will explode. When we are apart I ache for the moment we are reunited.

The words she said to me as she kissed me and we held were, "I belong with you". That was enough to make me want to pull her right inside me. I sank a little deeper and wanted to make love to her right then and there.

I must go back a little now before I bring everything to the present. Please go to "my angel" link below and read November 10th, 2000, to get an idea of what was to come on that evening.

Now that you are completely bewildered I will say that, that night was a night I will never forget......for many reasons. This man that captured my wifes heart with his words and kindness she so longed to recieve from me, spoke so comfidently in his letters from the time I discovered what was happening until this night. He spoke as if she had already left me for his charms. I on the other hand was anything but confident. I kept saying to myself "I am already too late", "I hope I am not too late" because until all of this happened I never really knew how much I truly loved her. I was amazed. I never knew this much love or feeling was possible for one person, and I prayed I was not too late.

This night was planned so she could say goodbye to him. Her beautiful friend Tracey was to stay and comfort me that night. Michelle said she would not have gone if I had to stay alone. For Tracey's comfort and love I am thankful. I surely would have had to lace myself into a straight jacket had I been alone. I would have stayed alone if it was the only way for Michelle to say goodbye, I wanted that so desperately!! Saturday's arrival took an eternity.

Tracey and I talked and renewed an old friendship. We wished Michelle would just run home to us, but then we would say "No" she has to discover where her heart lies to be sure. There were moments when I could have died, I blocked the thoughts out that scared me so badly, and continued to enjoy Tracey's company. Her soft touches. Her strengthing words, and the discovering of her long hidden love for me.
Hidden that is, only from me and never Michelle. She made me feel wonderful. She made me feel desirable and sexy. I had promised Michelle and myself that I would just let go. I did!!!!!!!!

Tracey and I learned more about each other from childhood to present in one night than we have in the the span of time that we have known each other. We spoke of past truths and the future to come. I know now the true depth of Tracey's heartache, as I was blind to it, as I was to Michelle's. I know that in order to understand, one has to take the time to listen, and when you really care so much for someone it is really not that hard to do.

I am here Michelle and I am finally listening. listening with my mind, my touch, my heart and soul. Speak to me. There is so much more I want to learn.

2000-11-01T08:53:00.000-05:00

I welcome you all, whoever you are, wherever you are, man or woman. I write here now because I need to share my life with the world, as I have so long spent not doing.

Before you begin this journey with me, I will ask you to read Sunday October 29th from LoveShackBaby

Have you read it????

No feel free to let go, lose yourself. Be free and open. Give yourself to the words and maybe find comfort that you are not alone as I have found that I am not by reading other peoples words.

My name is Gord (Dordie) I am a 30 year old man with three children and married to a woman that is my everything, my life, as I am just discovering.

This journey actually started for me on October 28th, one evening after work, and its a date that will stay with me forever as a turning point in my life.

Hopefully you have read the start of this journey at LoveShackBaby and so I begin......